5 Powerful Ways to Support Someone Grieving a Suicide Loss S2E2

[00:00:00] Hello loves, welcome back. So in today's episode we are going to go over 5 powerful ways that you can show up for someone who is grieving a traumatic loss of suicide. Let's get to it. Through grief and loss, finding your light and healing. Welcome to Finding the Light, Light Being Found.

[00:00:28] All right, this is way number one that you can be supportive. Provide a loving and safe space for your friend, loved one, family member, parent, child, whomever it is that you are showing up for that has just lost their loved one to suicide.

[00:00:54] The way that you do that is to check your energy first and understand what's going on with you yourself before you show up. And then when you show up, you are there completely just to support. And that is hold loving energy and acceptance for whatever your loved one is going through. That comes with being comfortable with being uncomfortable.

[00:01:20] It comes with checking in with yourself and knowing that you are not going to be able to fix this. You being present and showing up is not going to take away the pain. It's not going to take away the emotions. It's going to reinforce that they are not alone and that they have a loved one there to support this journey in their life that they're about to embark upon.

[00:01:42] When they're thinking and going through all of the insanity in their head, trying to figure it out and sort it out that you are going to show up and just be there for them lovingly, tenderly, just holding space for them.

[00:01:57] And whatever that looks like, there's so many different emotions that come out that just the way to be supportive is to allow, allow whatever it is, sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, whatever is happening to just be there and provide support by being present and loving that person as they're navigating.

[00:02:24] I know it sounds easy, but it's really one of the hardest things to do. And we are especially here in our culture in this position in place where we're always trying to fix something. And there's discomfort with seeing emotion and wanting people to conceal it or not to emote. And that is a discomfort that we're feeling within ourselves.

[00:02:47] So hopefully checking in with yourself and knowing like, okay, there's maybe some things that might make me feel sad too as my person's grieving. And that's not what this is about. This is about me showing up, working through what I'm going through, but just loving them as they are going through what they're going through. All right, number two is acts of service.

[00:03:13] Instead of saying, how can I help you or what do you need? How about we eliminate questions like that? Unless you feel in your interaction with your loved one that you know at some point that that will be instrumental in helping them. Because with a loss like this, cognitively, the ability to even function isn't present often the time. Just going through the motions.

[00:03:38] And that coupled with the sheer amount of shock most of the time, especially early on, which can last for months, is going to be present. So I'm going to go pick up some groceries for you. So I'm going to sit down and like, do you have maybe your bills that need to be paid? I could help you with going through that if you need. Or I would like to come over and if you want me to tidy up.

[00:04:07] You know, of course you have to present it to where the person doesn't feel bombarded or overwhelmed. And that it's something that they actually want. So you'll have to work through internally on finessing that. But instead of coming from a place of asking a question, instead come from a place of, this is how I'm going to help. What does that look like for you? Or this is what I'm going to do. And that's it.

[00:04:34] And with your dynamic, with your loved one, you'll be able to come to mind with a few different things that you can do to truly be helpful. And it could just be the simplest thing as bringing over precooked meals, which is pretty common with someone who's grieving, to more advanced things. But not just contacting them to ask, what can I do to help? Or how can I show up? Or what do you need? Because the person most of the time has no idea what they need.

[00:05:04] Their world just completely shattered. And so working through how to figure out how to answer what I need to tell you so you can show up for me is just another layer happening. Instead, just show up with acts of service in the way that you can best support your friend by being thoughtful. That's really the underlying thing here.

[00:05:29] A lot of times when someone's going through this, there's this sheer isolation and feeling like you can't relate and that no one understands you. Because unless they've been through this, they don't understand you. And through that, our loved ones kind of drop off. After two, three weeks, check in a couple times and that's it.

[00:05:48] And so just showing up and doing little acts of service, whatever you think they are, to show some love in the manner that you do in your dynamic. And having that be coupled with just the person knows that you're thinking of them and your thoughts matter. Loving them in that way matters. Even if it doesn't seem like it. Because they're still just trying to get their bearings. Yeah.

[00:06:17] Another one is helping them move. Our physiology is so important. So showing up and just saying, you know, oh, would you like to go for a walk and go around the neighborhood?

[00:06:32] Or if they're okay, getting out into a park or to the beach with sunshine and having your feet on Mother Earth and breathing in all of the fresh air and all of the energy from the sun is so incredibly healing. Not only just from a physical point of view, but internally, like the inner dialogue changes a little bit. Your body is actually moving energy around as you're walking. You're moving length around.

[00:07:01] So that is so super important too. You know, spending time and holding presents for them is beautiful. And yes, sometimes it just needs to be in the comfort of our own home. And that's the best that we can do for the day. But if you're feeling like there's an opportunity to take your loved one out, even if it's just out the front door for a walk, not in the car, for a drive to a park or beach, still do that because it's still so, so very important.

[00:07:31] And a lot of times it's simplistic, but it's something that carries great difficulty to a certain extent, depending on where the person's at in their journey and where their energy is in their bandwidth of being able to do something outside of maybe what the regular job is or what the regular duties are, especially like taking care of the other kids or other family members, whatever they have going on.

[00:07:56] You know, it's an isolated amount of energy for whatever that is. And after that, it's complete exhaustion. And then getting back to like what just happened or how can I make sense of this? So movement is a big deal. And then just checking in regularly. I know that sounds simple too, but it comes with like just a text. I'm thinking about you, sending you a lot of love, a call with a voice message.

[00:08:23] And I'm thinking about you, you know, I love you or I care about you. And I just want you to know I have you on my mind. Those things go so far. And please understand that when you're doing that, don't expect a callback. Don't expect a message back. You're showing up for them. And it's whatever that looks like. It's not something that needs to be reciprocated or responded to.

[00:08:50] It's a gentle touch from you showing your thoughtfulness and that you are loving them in some manner by doing a gentle touch and check in. And you stop by, stop by a porch drop off, sending cards in the mail. And it's not something that you just do the first week, second week, the third week.

[00:09:14] It's, you know, whenever they pop up in your head, there's not too much that you could be checking in or contacting or sending a little bit of love along the way. As to what one usually thinks might be too much. Like, okay, it's already been twice this week. Like, you know, I'll give it a rest for another couple weeks. No, like, please share what you're thinking and feeling and just send the love. And again, as simple as like a heart text message.

[00:09:43] So many times I got a message where like, I'm like, how did they know I needed it? It would just bring me to tears, literally, because there's a lot of emotions when you go through this where you're isolated. You feel like you're suffocating. You feel like you're speaking tongues and there's not a soul that understands you. There's confusion. There's self-cross-examination.

[00:10:06] There's so many different layers of what is happening internally, emotionally, physically, spiritually that the isolation is deafening. So for a loved one to just reach out with just the simplicity of a heart, it can give your person all the feels as they're navigating what they're going through. And it can definitely feel like a beautiful way to support them.

[00:10:35] Yes, thoughtfulness goes so far. And then another one, and it's also a really important one, and it's number five, and it is to honor the person's life that they just lost. If you have stories that you could share, to share your stories and to get in tune with yourself on being, again, comfortable with being uncomfortable.

[00:11:04] And in part, I'm saying that because a lot of people with the stigma surrounding suicide, in addition to the loss and seeing their loved one now being emotional, they have such discomfort with that, that they themselves don't want to take on everything that comes with that. And so they won't share stories that could fill someone up with love or a memory that they forgot about.

[00:11:33] Or seeing you share something that brought you joy would also bring the person who's grieving joy, even if it comes with tears and snots as you're sharing the story. It's about filling that person's cup up with more love. And whatever that looks like for you to get comfortable with that. Another thing is, there's really special days that seems like everybody forgets.

[00:12:01] If they had an anniversary and you knew what it was, or if there was a birthday, or each time it's a new month at the six-month mark every year. Or, you know, still to this day, TAPS doesn't send cards anymore, but they will still send an email. And every time I get all the fills, because it is a, it's a, someone remembers.

[00:12:27] And I know TAPS is a little different than a friend contacting me, but having a friend contact you is just amazing. Someone to reach out at your two-year mark, your three-year mark, and just say, I'm really thinking about you today. And, you know, I love you. Go so far. You know, we're, we're here navigating some of our darkest places.

[00:12:53] And ultimately, we do that collectively, because we all understand what it is to feel pain and to suffer. And so while we're going through that, just to be reminded and shown love and care and thoughtfulness is really the underlying message of this whole video that I'm doing. It's applicable to all five steps. And what I would like you to take away with the steps is to just be cognizant of your energy.

[00:13:23] Also, to be comfortable with the emotions that you are going to see. And that's really part of just lovingly supporting someone as they're navigating this. Understand that there can be redundancy. There can be nonstop storytelling. There can be no desire to talk about anything at all and really still want to process themselves internally. And it could be for quite a while.

[00:13:49] There's different moments that will create triggers, especially around different holidays and different special dates. It's, you know, be comfortable with whatever that looks like for that individual and for the long haul of it. You know, it's not something where they're just going to go through their grieving and be like, oh, I'm fine. You know, it's six months. I'm good. It's it's something that will affect them for the rest of their lives. And they're going to grow around their grief.

[00:14:17] They're going to grow with their grief. And so just reminding them that you, you know, you know them intimately enough to know that this is something that they're going through and feeling. It doesn't matter how far out and just letting them know, like, you know, I love you.

[00:14:32] I'm thinking about you is what we all need when we're in a place of suffering to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted in whatever that looks like, especially when it's a very sensitive and emotional time.

[00:14:48] The reason I'm recording this video is because I went through a time where I didn't know what I wanted or needed, but I so very desperately just wanted to be remembered, thought of and loved. I wanted to know that whatever I was feeling, it wasn't a burden on someone, whatever stories I was sharing, whatever emotions I was feeling, that I was still going to be accepted and loved through them.

[00:15:18] And I did not have the cognitive function or ability to be able to put all of this into words. When I had loved ones first reaching out to me initially saying, well, like, what do you need? I'm not even brushing my teeth right now. I'm not going to be able to tell you what I need. Like, I'm having a damn difficult time functioning on any level. So I don't know.

[00:15:47] That's not that's not what the answer was. I need you to love me. I just need you here. I don't know. I'm I feel fearful like there's so many different things happening. I did not have the ability to communicate. I just need you to hold loving space for me. I just need you to check on me. I just need to know that you love me. I just need you to share some of your stories with me.

[00:16:14] I'd fill my cup up with so much love that you don't even know, even if you see emotions. So that is why I'm making this video, because I didn't have the ability to say what I needed. And I know that there's a lot of suicide loss survivors that also don't. It's so difficult to even wrap our head around what in the world is going on. In addition to all of the hormones and chemicals in our body that are just on overload, it's

[00:16:43] so tricky to even maneuver, process, digest or understand, let alone be able to give you a map of what I need. So and the the second part of it is I'm sharing because I know there's so many people out there that love and want to just show up and support their loved one. And they just don't know how they don't know how. And there's so many videos on grieving and how to show up.

[00:17:13] But, you know, grieving a suicide loss is different. There's just heightened shock and complete confusion through that. There's a process of cross-examination. There's also wondering what you knew to be true and going through your whole life. Like if I miss this with my person, like what am I missing? What else is being missed in life?

[00:17:38] There's so many underlying tones and layers to all of this that are not easy to digest and process and understand. There's extreme isolation. There's also the stigma and judgment associated and surrounding suicide, which can in turn also lead to internal shame.

[00:18:07] I know after I first found him, my first thoughts was, I will tell everybody that he just left me. And I will. That's literally, truly how I felt because there was shame. I didn't want anyone to feel or think anything other than of how amazing and beautiful of a man that he was. And for that to be honored.

[00:18:35] There's also layers associated with that, too, that go far deeper than what I just shared. But these are some really common things that are widely gone through with suicide loss survivors. It doesn't just have to be partner loss. It can be a close friend, a parent, a child. There's so many things that have commonalities with this type of a loss.

[00:18:59] And there's also with that questioning of self, there's a part of wanting to understand like why or what happened or what did I miss? So please know as well that while we are already having that internal dialogue with ourself to try to process and even understand what in the world just happened,

[00:19:21] why we're maybe grateful that we got our teeth brushed for the day or that we took a shower or was able to like feed an animal or a child or do anything where we're actually functioning and being present. As well as processing, there's nonstop questioning of self with the whole act that just occurred of losing the loved one.

[00:19:45] So showing up and having questions for your loved one, just keep them to yourself. Again, it's just about your thoughtfulness, your love and having a safe space that's not judgment. And not making this about yourself, knowing that you might not hear back. You might not get messages back.

[00:20:09] It doesn't mean if you're thinking about them, don't not share a text or a call or a porch drop off. Still get outside of yourself and show up in the best way you can with just gentle touches and reminders of you are loved. I'm thinking about you. I care about you. Yeah. Yeah. If you have any additional ways that if you are a suicide loss survivor that were super helpful for you during your journey,

[00:20:37] please share them in the comments so others can read about it and add that to their tools that they have to be able to show up for their loved ones. And then also, if you would like to connect, you can find me at light being found on both YouTube and Instagram. You'll find me in the comments. So go ahead and share something over there. And of course, like and subscribe if this is helpful to you in any way.

[00:21:07] We're all just trying to figure life out and love one another on the way. So thank you so much for taking your time and spending it with me today and listening to this video. I wish you so much amazingness. And yeah. All right. Take good care. Take care.