Myths about Grief - Suicide Loss Survivor S1E13

[00:00:02] Welcome to Light Being Found. My love Jason was in the US Army. 20 days after I found him, I started documenting my journey through video and audio recordings. Join me as I share my journey as a suicide loss survivor from struggling to find the light to light being found.

[00:00:26] Hello loves, welcome back to Finding the Light, Light Being Found. This is season one episode bonus two. It's going to piggy off of the last bonus episode that I just did and that's on the grieving person's bill of rights. It is still Valentine's Day so I'm happy to be recording and posting this today.

[00:00:54] I'm going to share this. I also got this on my intake at the Hillian Center, which is where I went for support group of suicide loss survivors. There's a lot of different takes on common myths about grief and you can explore that online if you would like. I am going to share the one that was provided to me for the group that I went to.

[00:01:22] So let's get right into it. So community, community, common myths about grief. All losses are the same. They're not. Even if they come from the same place, they're not as well. We're all so incredibly, incredibly unique. And not only that, what shapes our ability to go through and fill anything

[00:01:51] that we get to go through in life is through our experience is through our experience. We're all looking through that lens. Our life experiences lend to the richness of each experience that we have thereafter and thereafter and thereafter.

[00:02:05] So each experience, whether it's shaped by our own internal truths, experiences, dialogues, and then how we navigate it really has a lot to do with all of the history of self that's involved.

[00:02:24] Also how we heal, how many people we also have in our life that are depending on us or what our work schedule is like, you know, where our flow is, where we're in that flow.

[00:02:37] And also, you know, even if it's the same type of loss, like you lost one parent and then you lost another parent, that's of course all so very different because the interaction and relationship with those parents are so different. So every loss is unique and special in and of itself. And that has to do with loss of everything, loss of people, loss of relationships, loss of jobs.

[00:03:06] You know, we're all grieving different things and mourning different things that held really special, intimate space within our being of how we navigate and whatever that is, whoever that is. Because it's all different for us because we're so all very different. All people grieve in the same way. That is hogwash. Like, that's so ridiculous to read. Yeah.

[00:03:35] I feel like I don't even want to say anything about it, but there isn't really much to say because it kind of piggybacks off of the first one. There's no same way about nothing for anyone, period. What there is, is an underlying understanding of suffering and pain that we get to fill in this human experience. So there's a commonality between us all where we could be tender and show up for someone through that because we're all going through something that's hard at times.

[00:04:04] From whatever scenarios, losses, grieving, whatever we're experiencing. Yeah. It takes two weeks to three months to get over grief. Grief is a lifelong journey and dance where there's continued healing. If that's the road that you're on, that will be taking place for the rest of your days here.

[00:04:35] You shape your journey. You shape your grieving journey and whatever you want it to be. But what it will not be is something that you, I just had like the whole sprint or marathon. It's like there's no finite place of when grief ends. It doesn't. It takes different shape. It molds with you. It grows with you. You grow with it.

[00:05:02] It shifts. It changes. It's always present. Different ways, but always present. If you aren't over the loss in one year, you are experiencing complicated grief.

[00:05:26] You can experience complicated grief right away or years down the road. There's no different timeframes or box that we could put this in. And I'll also share a link in the show notes about complicated grief. It's different than grief.

[00:05:48] However, complicated grief is also usually a part of many people's journeys while they're grieving. Yeah. And I found that it's definitely present in my experience as a suicide loss survivor and getting to share and talk with other suicide loss survivors of partner loss. That it's something that is common to a certain extent.

[00:06:16] When grief is resolved, it never comes up again. We already went over that. Anger should not be a part of your grief. It goes back to that word should again, which comes from it has like this harshness to it or they're just this this judgment to it. And it's not applicable in our journey of grieving.

[00:06:40] There's not these should and shunts in how we are expressing and experiencing, navigating our emotions. It is better to put painful thoughts out of your mind. That goes back to the what we bury rots. That is that is that is a myth.

[00:07:08] I also think it ties into our culture to where there's discomfort and seeing emotion at times or it's self-inflicted to where we feel like, oh, I can't show this or be like this because it it denotes that I'm not strong or that I'm weak or that I'm sad or that I'm not taking care of myself well through this process. And none of any of all that matters. It's all like, let's throw it all out the window because it it doesn't come with a should or shouldn't.

[00:07:37] It just looks so very different for all of us. Children need to be protected from grief and death. And that, again, goes right back to that which we bury rots. There's no no protection needed. You know, sheltering a child and their emotions from losing a loved one. If that's what this grieving scenario is about, which for me and what I'm talking about is.

[00:08:07] Is. In a way, a disservice. So there's delicate ways to take into consideration what's proper for you and your child or children and your own scenario to where you can be serving them. That will work best for your family dynamic. And there's no like, oh, you have to do this right away or not.

[00:08:33] Maybe just processing yourself as you're navigating and then figuring out the best ways where you can share with your children or child or grandchildren or. Children you care for whatever the scenario is, where it's acceptable for you to share if it's not your own children. What is going on?

[00:08:59] And to be able to have some transparency that's lovingly delivering and sharing what is happening and going on in y'all's world. So I definitely think that a lot of different things can arise when this isn't addressed and tended to lovingly and caringly and just real tenderly with with our children. So, yeah.

[00:09:27] You will have no relationship with your loved one or connections to that which you lost after the loss. That's ridiculous. But I know that it's easy to fill that too because we're really grounded here in matter and our physical presence. And so a lot of times we can't even conceptualize or understand that what we are is consciousness experiencing life in this human form.

[00:09:55] And that our energy is forever and always. And there's a connection to these people that we've spent time here in this life with that doesn't ever end. It's just not here in physical form anymore. And I think that that's kind of a personal one. So for me, this is my take on it.

[00:10:18] How I internalize it and dance with it and work with my knowing and understanding of my connections to my loved ones that have loss. However you get to wherever you're going and however you're internalizing, a lot of this is very personal. And again, it's where there's no should or shouldn't. But it is a myth that that's the end and that's it.

[00:10:47] And if that's where you're at and what you're embodying, then love yourself through that. You may get to another place where you find out that that is not it for you. And you shape this differently, which definitely is something that probably takes shape for most of us throughout our grieving journeys.

[00:11:13] Where things are being molded and shifted around on how we're internalizing something or how we view something. You know, sometimes we're in the box, sometimes we're out of the box. So this is a personal one and will really kind of depend on how you want to dance within your own internal belief system. But for me, definitely, definitely not.

[00:11:40] I talk to him all the time and I talk to Jai for sure. I still say goodnight to her every night. Have conversations with her all the time. I see birds literally flying right in front of me. This has never happened before in my life. And that's her way of showing that she's with me consciously, sharing with me like, I'm with you, mama. I'm giving you some love right now. And then I would just start talking to her like, thank you. Oh, man, I had a hard day.

[00:12:09] Thank you for bringing them birds right in front of me. Like that was so comforting or soothing. You know, there's all these different signs where I know that I am surrounded by my loved ones. And that they're here with me as I'm navigating my journey. And it's quite beautiful. And that doesn't have to be your journey. So wherever you're at on this belief for yourself, just be tender.

[00:12:37] Tender with yourself as you navigate it. You know, the unknown for a lot of people is a place of fear. And I have danced with the unknown for a long time, far before I met Jason in my understanding and beauty of acceptance of it and energy.

[00:12:57] And so when I lost Jason, I really encompassed my own knowing just very deeply and really explored that in a lot of ways that were profound for me in my healing. And so this will shape for you however you want and intend it to shape. But it's definitely not the end of the dancing that you do with that loved one.

[00:13:24] The intensity and length of our grief are a testimony to your love for the deceased. Yeah. Yeah. I think that we're all in different places. And a lot of people maybe don't necessarily have to go through or sit in the intensity.

[00:13:47] You know, they're in a place where there's a beauty and acceptance of saying goodbye to whoever left here in this physical world. So we're all going through something different. And again, the length of grief, it's a journey for the rest of your life that will get to be a part of your journey. You will just grow with it and it will grow with you as it changes shape and changes how you define it and how you internalize it and work with it.

[00:14:17] But it's a part of your story. It's part of your beautiful tapestry of self. And it's not going to just go away. It will change how you have a relationship with it. So I think that the intensity and length of our grief, it's not measurable in that regards because we're all in such different places in our own journeys.

[00:14:45] So however it unfolds, it could be with great intensity or it could seem short-lived and then not be. There's so many different things here. It's not. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Only sick people have physical problems in their grief. Wow. Whew. My goodness. I remember that I physically hurt after he left. I remember I made some videos about it too. And I was like, this is crazy.

[00:15:16] I really thought it was so nuts because I felt like my whole chest was concaving in. And like, I just, I physically was in pain, physically. And I remember I started having some back pains and I started to get concerned like, oh man, what's going on? And my doctor, she said, well, you're grieving.

[00:15:40] And I think that we here in Western medicine, you know, always like to funnel out these pills or somehow serve the institution and what we're diagnosing.

[00:15:54] And I know a lot of people in the healthcare field do not come from that place, but it's become very clear to me that there's a working operation of institutions and that they are to feed themselves to continue their working operation. And so I really found so much gratitude when she shared with me, like, nothing is wrong with you at all.

[00:16:23] You are grieving. And gosh, I just give her a big hug because that was special to hear. And it also did a lot of different things for me on my journey as far as like internalizing how I'm grieving and what is manifesting in me, both emotionally and physically as a result and part of my grieving journey.

[00:16:48] So definitely, it definitely was interesting for me. And as I shared, I shared in bonus episode one that you could find the different groups. I thought it was in episode three. It's actually in episode four. But also in some of my early episodes, I was sharing the body keeps the score.

[00:17:13] So that's a great resource to look into if you're curious about how our emotional and physical body and mental dance together. And that what we're experiencing feeling is also reflected within our body.

[00:17:31] That's not only from like body language and movement, but it also manifests in other things that we have to tend to externally because possibly we're not necessarily tending to them internally. Or there's something that is wanting our intention and attention still. And so the body keeps the score is really an amazing read to facilitate a little bit further understanding of that whole dynamic.

[00:18:00] If you're curious, I will put that in the notes as well. And then funerals and rituals are unimportant in helping us heal. I think that whatever we do to help us heal is so important and to embrace it.

[00:18:17] And if there's the word should where someone is sharing their three cents and it's not warranted, needed or helpful, then like just keep it moving for yourself. And know that whatever is helping you heal is invited. Yeah. It is best to stay in control and keep a still upper lip.

[00:18:48] What? No. Yeah. You must cry or show emotions to process your grief. I think like maybe that's an interesting one as it's coupled with the one before where I just had such thoughts with. Again, there's no way this is supposed to look.

[00:19:10] And I think that beating yourself up because you're not crying enough or because you're stoic and you can't cry in the presence of others or whatever is happening where you're fine tuning what you're grieving is supposed to look like and feel like.

[00:19:59] And it's just like to let that go. There's no right or wrong way to grieve. And that doesn't matter how it looks. It just matters what it feels like. And that those feelings are being felt and moved through and experienced and expressed and embraced as well. It is best to put the memories of your loved one in the past and go on with your life.

[00:20:27] And that's rough.

[00:21:01] And that, again, is one of those things where you're going to want to pause and look inward and figure out like what are you getting from that interaction or sharing this about your grieving journey with that individual to where a dynamic might come from someone else where you're feeling like that. And hopefully for yourself, you have just allowed yourself to not feel that way.

[00:21:29] If putting memories in the past helps you as a coping mechanism for this time in your grieving journey, then that's what works for you towards healing. And maybe you might or might not go through memories or get out those pictures or look at those clothes or whatever it is.

[00:21:52] Like whatever your process is to your healing is so very special to you. And so while this list is common myths, I think in some way, shape and form, some of them are applicable to some of us as serving us through our grieving journey. And others just seem absolutely ridiculous. Again, from the lens of my own experiences.

[00:22:19] So me sharing this list with you is to share like the absurdity that we can put any of this in a box and say how it should or should not be. It's so absurd. Yeah. Man, when I just did a search to find out, can I find this list?

[00:22:37] And then I was bombarded with so much stuff, all these different myths and these should and shouldn'ts and these different timelines of what the myths are in the grieving journey. And that you just man, it's cool to be alive in this information age for real. I really appreciate it. But at the same time, it's just like there's so much noise. There's so much noise.

[00:23:01] And so what I am sharing with you and sharing this list with you is just to say that you know your own way and to embrace it as you navigate it and to be tender with yourself and love yourself. And that it's going to be the right way because it's your way based on how you feel, how you're navigating, what you're experiencing, what your lens brings within you. Yeah.

[00:23:33] It is best to get involved and stay busy. That's another way for saying disassociate with your emotions or bury, bury that ish. No, that's not best. But sometimes it's a coping mechanism.

[00:23:52] Sometimes people need to stay busy at some part of their journey right in the beginning or once they get the first few things settled, then like at that point, you know, we all go through different coping mechanisms and addictions in life in general. And that's part of the grieving process as well.

[00:24:10] And so some people might just get addicted to working more or get addicted to heading to the gym more or other addictions, getting busy with drinking or doing drugs. Like there's a process that all of us go through internally on like this pain. I do not know what to do with it. I have to self numb in some possible way. What does that look like for you?

[00:24:39] And then to, you know, go from there on figuring out whether it's a healthy part of your journey or not. And I think, again, like there's a bit of grace that you can have as you navigate that part of your journey to know that sometimes you're you're coping and to be OK with that.

[00:24:58] I know in my journey, I know in my journey, I was coping a lot of the time and I was cognizant of whether I thought it was healthy or not healthy and how I was navigating that. But also at the same time, I was just like, I'm not I'm not OK.

[00:25:16] And I like this constant emotion of this like the cortisol, the lack of serotonin, the stress indicators, the anxiety, like this constant amount of things I was experiencing. Sometimes I just needed to like put a bandaid on it or put a plug in it like I just needed to stop for a bit and numb out.

[00:25:45] And that was my different choice that I did with different things at different stages of my grieving journey. So it is best to get involved and stay busy while you don't want to bury that ish and have it rot all up in you. At the same time, it might be something that you need to do to cope for a while. So just be tender with yourself, especially as you come across all these different things that you're seeking out.

[00:26:13] While the lists are meant to be helpful in a way they can come with their own like should or shunt and, you know, just to be cognizant of that. And then crying doesn't solve anything. And I think that filling all your emotions, whatever they are, as long as you are not in a place where you are holding on to them and keeping them hostage is healthy.

[00:26:42] I know it takes 90 seconds for your body to have that energy be in motion and for it to come up and out and be felt. And so many times our suffering comes from the thoughts that we have associated with that emotion that we're feeling and clinging on to the emotion.

[00:27:03] And like I was sharing in my last episode, there was this constant self-cross-examination that I had and just such anger within myself. It was like this never-ending feedback loop of like figuring out new information, going through our whole history again. It just, it seemed never ending. It happened for months. That was a part of my process.

[00:27:28] So it really wouldn't matter what someone would have shared on whether they thought it was healthy or not healthy or in my best interest or not. Because it was part of how I was healing. And I needed to go through that process of being in my own personal hell with that to get to the other side of it. So again, this grieving is different for everyone.

[00:27:52] And the main thing that I would like you to take from this recording and my podcast in general is to just be gentle with yourself and to lean into your grieving, whatever it is. And to know that that journey is so very different for all of us and to embrace it and love yourself along the way as well. All right, on the very bottom, it says,

[00:28:18] It is not an easy process to change traditions and long-held beliefs or expectations. However, we can relearn and make changes when we have strong beliefs that it is our best interest to do so. Some of the difficulties lie in the fact that we are impacted by the beliefs and feelings of those around us. While we may have a desire to change, others around us may not.

[00:28:47] It may take preparation and family discussion to do things differently, often with very beneficial results for the whole family. Okay. Yeah, let me give you a quick screenshot of that as well. In case you would like to check out the list that I have since it's not so easily found online. Here you go.

[00:29:15] And again, that came from the healing center, which is the support group that I attended for suicide loss survivors of partner loss. Yeah. Well, that is going to wrap up this bonus episode. Wherever you are at in your journey.

[00:29:40] I'm sending you so much love and light as you navigate your healing. And please be gentle with yourself. Be aware of the self-chatter because you are listening to yourself. Let go of the expectations and just flow. Just flow with your grieving journey.

[00:30:06] There's going to be ups and downs and ebb and flows and just lean into it and the healing will come to you. All right. I'm giving you these big J.A.M. hugs. All my love being sent your way and take good care.