How I Survived the Suffocating Weight of Grief S2E1

[00:00:03] Hello loves! So in today's episode I'm going to be sharing what I did when I could not contain my emotions. I'm talking about it in a video one month post-loss of my love Jason. I lost him to suicide and me and our dog Jai found him.

[00:00:27] And in the video I'm sharing on how at weeks two and three I just no longer could contain my emotions and I would randomly have to let out screams. Of course I was in my home and in a place where I could but reflecting back I totally forgot that I did that and it's so out of character for me to have that type of behavior.

[00:00:53] So it was really interesting to come across that and know that that was a way that I used to cope with just the inability of all of the emotions that were happening internally to me.

[00:01:08] Also in the video I talk about what I do when the inner darkness is so deep and so dark that I feel like I'm suffocating in what I did in there to cope with that as well. So let's get on to the show.

[00:01:31] Through grief and loss, finding your light and healing. Welcome to Finding the Light, Light Being Found. Welcome back to the podcast. Today is a super special day. Well first, happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.

[00:01:54] And it's also a very special day for me as it was Jason's birthday, May 11th. And this weekend overall is always special because on May 10th is when we found him, our mini Aussie and me. And this is my first year without her, which makes it also quite a year. And it's also my 10 year angelversary.

[00:02:21] So I was excited to launch and begin recording season two today. I wanted to remind you of the unedited videos. I'll be showing videos that I started recording 20 days into post loss. And it's just footage of me talking to the camera about what I'm going through and how I'm processing everything and what's happening.

[00:02:50] I really, when I got further, I knew I was going to start recording immediately just because my mind was blown. But when I got further into even being capable of doing searches, I was looking for this. I want to see the videos of people going through what they're going through in live time. And that wasn't available. So I'm super excited to share my videos with you.

[00:03:17] They're also the first time that I'm watching them as well as I'm prepping for the episodes. So that's brought on a lot of different emotions because I'm literally placed back to where I was emotionally at the time of the recording. And I'm also remembering a lot of things that I have forgot. I mean, it has been 10 years.

[00:03:40] So I've really just given myself grace and taken the day that I prepped the videos to just, and be gentle with myself as I navigate some emotions that are coming to the surface for me. Yeah. So in today's video, I'm going to show, as I said, at the one month mark, the first thing that I'm talking about is screaming. I started screaming.

[00:04:10] So I think that there are a lot of different healthy ways that we can have an outlet. One of them is probably doing exercise for people or even playing music or dancing. I know it's hard to get into maybe a state or place and going through traumatic, traumatic grief, especially so early where maybe you're thinking like, oh, I'll dance.

[00:04:34] But I know that that's an outlet to get all your energy just moving and flowing and maybe screaming to music. So a few different options of maybe what you could do to get some of that energy released. So you're able to kind of sit in yourself and with yourself more without having just an overflow,

[00:05:02] an abundance of just overwhelming grief. And then also, something that I talk about in the video too as well is that my inner light was just snuffed. It wasn't there. Everything was so dark. I was in such darkness internally. I literally felt like I was suffocating.

[00:05:29] A lot of you probably felt like in your upper chest, just like the weight of the grief and just the sometimes hard to breathe. I was so stuck that that's, that's really a physical emotion that is felt during the gravity of, of grieving in that manner. And I had the lights on everywhere.

[00:05:54] I turned on all the lights and the whole and the whole place, every single light I could. And I also had all of the windows open every day, all day long, any type of light that I could get in. And I noticed when I would turn a light off or turn the bedroom off, bedroom light off to go to sleep. I, I, I was not okay. I was not okay.

[00:06:21] So that was really interesting to observe of myself and also kind of take in and take note of what was happening on, on an energetic level. Even though the light is coming from electricity, the darkness and the stillness and the silent of it, it felt compounded on what, what was going on with the darkness internally. So let's get to that part of the video. Yeah.

[00:06:57] Another thing that's been very interesting is that I, for weeks two and three, had to actually let out yells. Um, seriously. So that was pretty nutty. I had to scream.

[00:07:22] Um, cause what was happening inside me was too much and I could not handle it. Um, and so my outlet was to release by screaming. Ah, and, um, I noticed that this last week I have not done it as much. So that's great.

[00:07:50] Um, that's a great improvement. Another thing that was really interesting is, um, well when I first got home, I felt so thankful that my, all my sheets and bedding had been cleaned. Cause I could see getting weird about it.

[00:08:16] Like not wanting to change it and just feeling his body there in my mind. Um, uh, he used to hug his pillow. Loves it. And I could see just maybe wanting to hold his pillow.

[00:08:45] And so I immediately felt appreciative that everything had already been changed. Um, cause I could see that as a pitfall for myself. Light. Huh. Light, um, and still playing a very important role for me.

[00:09:15] I had to have everything light and bright to function. Even at night. It's weird how deep our emotions go. And to what extent we control them with our thoughts.

[00:09:37] That we need to seek light from outside sources. Like that was pretty deep for me. I needed everything opened and all the lamps and lights and everything turned on.

[00:10:00] Um, um, it was very helpful actually. Um, cause not having them on, I felt like in such a dark place, such a suffocating place.

[00:10:19] And, um, all right, we're back. Something that I mentioned that was definitely beneficial for me was having the sheets just getting washed.

[00:10:45] Um, we all grieve differently and what we find soothing or comforting or disruptive is all going to be different. So, uh, you'd like, if you had something that you went through regarding the bedding, please leave a comment and let me know how that affected you. For me, it was a really big one.

[00:11:10] And while there was a yearning for not have washing them, they were already washed. And I could see that I am like, I still, I still have things that are never washed. They will never be washed. You know, they're very special to me. Like some of his favorite outfits and clothing, um, that he might've wore once or twice before it was ready to go back in the laundry.

[00:11:40] So still clean, but, and I only have a few of those items cause pretty, pretty frequent with getting the laundry done, but it was so comforting to me to know that I wasn't going to in a way become obsessive and not want to clean my sheets ever. Um, and this grieving process is it's a journey.

[00:12:05] And so I, I just immediately felt grateful that I didn't have, have sheets. So I'm curious to know maybe what your story was surrounding that. And then also something that I noted in the video too, is that I was, I, I felt like around week three, I was becoming conscious that I was in shock, but I not necessarily quite

[00:12:35] understanding that I was still in, in super shock. I would just wasn't in like the thick of it, but I was still completely in it. But I was a little bit aware that I was in shock, in shock. And I wasn't having like the cognitive dissonance that I was initially. I was like, oh, I'm in shock.

[00:12:58] And I was still at the stage, even in watching the video, I feel like I'm slow. I I'm enunciating. I'm kind of like, I'm kind of all over the place. I, I'm definitely super forgetful. Um, like thoughts are fleeting. Um, I, I seemed to like maybe I was on drugs.

[00:13:28] There's like a few parts where I'm slowly, really slowly talking. And that was insightful for me to, to see. Um, I remember sharing, you know, cognitively at this stage, it reminded me of a story with my big sister where, uh, she was two and she wanted to get in the pool, out the pool, in the pool, out the pool. And she did this for a long time. Um, and, uh, she would immediately start crying if she couldn't go back in and then

[00:13:58] she couldn't go back out. It was just a whole process. And that's how I look at this process in a lot of ways, especially the first several months for me where I, I, I really was somewhere else cognitively, even when I got more into my healing journey and was able to kind of function a little bit more.

[00:14:25] There was still such a grappling with like what happened in my whole life change just like that. And with that comes all of this secondary loss and like the whole habitual side of life that, that goes on. And for years and the loss of my, my best friend, you know, everything he was a part of and he was no longer here.

[00:14:52] So there were so many different layers to processing that could not be put into words. Yeah. So that was the video that I shared for today. And then now I'm going to share one of our stories. Um, I share the stories just so you can know a little bit more about our story and me on a personal level.

[00:15:18] And also if anything resonates or brings up a story for you, I'm going to share a little story for you that you would like to share. Like, please, uh, share in the comments and I will connect back to you and I'll definitely see it. But here is the story. All right. So it says years ago, we took a test on what dog we would be personality wise.

[00:15:47] I'm a golden retriever and he's a German shepherd, which is quite fitting as he's always wanted a German shepherd. This man of mine, the most confident person I have ever met. The cutest with his mannerisms and beliefs. He'd sport his pink shirt and tell others in his squad that secret deodorant is the best. He swore by it and had no concerns about anyone's thoughts. XO.

[00:16:16] So sexy. When I read that, it makes me smile, but it also reminds me and puts me in a place of sharing that this is who Jason was to me and he embodied his internal journey of what he was going through on his own. You know, I felt a shift in a difference, um, especially the last eight months, which I'll

[00:16:45] get into in future podcasts, um, that were so subtle and I couldn't place what was happening, you know, hindsight, right? I couldn't place what was going on. Um, but he really was just so incredibly confident when we would be out at places, people would call him boss and this happened frequently. And I remember feeling like how weird these people do not know you.

[00:17:13] And it was just literally the level of respect that people gave him when they saw him an incredibly confident, beautiful man, such a humanitarian. And he, he took these struggles that he was going through and this is what happened.

[00:17:35] And I'm sure that many of you out there listening to me right now are feeling the same way. You're able to resonate with what I'm sharing, especially from the point of view of him being in the military and us being a military unit.

[00:17:55] There's a certain dichotomy and mannerism that, that goes along with being in that position and a certain level of understanding and care towards the role that you're playing in that position.

[00:18:13] Um, there's a cognizance and an awareness, um, that he was very in tune with and decisively did not share. And so we're wherever you are. And if that resonated with you, I'm giving you so much love. Um, definitely mind blowing. Yeah.

[00:18:43] All right. Now I'm going to share today's quote. All right. Here is today's quote. The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one. You'll learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebound yourself around the loss you have suffered.

[00:19:10] You will be whole again, but you will never be the same, nor should you want to be the same, nor would you want to. And this is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. I feel like this quote is so important to share. Because I remember when I first began. And when I say first, like for several months for a really long time, probably even, even to year two was so difficult.

[00:19:39] So I'm not sure where I was at year three and when I submitted and leaned into. But I kept remembering and thinking like, okay, I know this isn't a sprint. It's a marathon. When's the marathon going to end? And yeah, um, there's, there's no end to this. This grieving is forever.

[00:20:01] You know, like I shared earlier, even going through the videos, I'm transported back and immediately all of the emotions flood in there. And then when I think of Jason, I think of him as yesterday. It was not 10 years ago. Like, even though I've been healing and I've been on this grieving journey. I'm forever changed. And the way that I live my life is completely different.

[00:20:31] I like the illustration that is down below. Growing around grief by Lewis Tonkin, 1996. And it's so interesting because that's the thought that I had initially is people think that grief is this. And then when you walk through, you know, through time, grief gets smaller, but you're the same.

[00:20:53] And yes, grief, grief is a part of you, but now it's not so overwhelming, overcoming, not so all in all encompassing of just absolutely everything. That's not the case. Because the reality is that grief stays the same. But that life begins to grow bigger around it.

[00:21:18] And that's, that's major, especially the part where it says you will be whole again, but you will never be the same, nor should you be the same, nor would want to. It, it, it really encapsulates really literally how I feel. My light shines so bright. And yes, this has been such a journey.

[00:21:46] And it's something that I carry with me always. But the way that I hold on to the grief has definitely shifted and changed over the years.

[00:21:59] And now it's like this beautiful piece of me that is being carried with me because not necessarily that I embrace it in that way, but that like, I lovingly honor and cherish my grieving journey. And I, as part of my story, as part of who I am.

[00:22:25] And I've become so much more compassionate and capable of so many more things on such a grander level than I was previous to him leaving. Like my light shines so bright. And part of it is because of the space that grief is taking up and that I've grown around it, but also in it and also with it.

[00:22:54] And I've become one with it. And it's been a surrendering. It's been a process of leaning into. And I say it's like one step forward and 22 steps back. And that I felt that I was going through that over and over and over again until I didn't.

[00:23:22] And through this journey, there's compassion that's found within and for self. And there's also love too. You know, I've made the intro to my podcast exactly what this podcast is about.

[00:23:47] It's about grief and loss, finding your light and healing in the process. And this process is about surrendering and leaning into. Yeah. If anything in today's episode spoke to you and you would like to share something about it, please leave me a comment down below.

[00:24:12] And wherever you're at in your journey, please be gentle with yourself because you are listening to yourself. All right. I'm giving you these big, amazing J.A.M. hugs. I'm wishing you well and take good care.