Be the Wave - Suicide Loss Survivor S1E11

[00:00:02] Welcome to Light Being Found. My love Jason was in the US Army. 20 days after I found him, I started documenting my journey through video and audio recordings. Join me as I share my journey as a suicide loss survivor from struggling to find the light to light being found.

[00:00:26] Welcome back lovelies. This is Finding the Light, Light Being Found, Season 1, Episode 11. This is the final episode of this season and I am releasing it all on Veterans Day, which is November 11th, a very special day for me. So I'm excited to get into today's episode.

[00:00:55] So today I'm going to be sharing a little bit more about me with you. And I'm going to start with sharing a page on my website. It'll be coming soon. I have some projects that I'm still working on, but it will be lightbeingfound.com. All right, I'm going to take you right on over there.

[00:01:17] All right, so here we are. My website down the road will be a way that you'll be able to connect with me one on one. I have it started out. I love this photograph. It's a picture I took on. It's the same outing that we had for our vacation trip to the Oregon coast.

[00:01:40] And the picture where I show Jason and Jai on the back of my Celebration of Love tribute book. And it looks like they're just walking off into the bright light. Well, this is the same beach. So it just gives me all the feels to look at this photograph.

[00:02:00] And then also you can see the sun just poking out of the clouds right there. And my website is light being found. I am light being found. So this picture just does a lot for me as soon as I look at it. I have a lot of emotions.

[00:02:20] So it starts with being the wave. And then you scroll down light being found. I took this photograph. I one of my friends sent me a photograph of her, which this is the expansion sculpture. And she was in New York. I think she had the Brooklyn Bridge behind her just stunning. And she was beautifully broken.

[00:02:48] And I knew in that moment when I saw her. I wanted to connect with her and be with her. The sculpture. I wanted to go visit the sculpture. It was very powerful for me. I actually contacted the artist. And she said that it was no longer available in New York for viewing. It actually got purchased privately.

[00:03:10] And that she was working on being in a museum in Santa Fe. And she would reach out once that exhibit opened, which she did. And so I took I took a trip down to Santa Fe. I was actually there for Valentine's Day, which was really sweet because that was Jason's favorite holiday.

[00:03:29] And then I visited the expansion sculpture. So this is my absolute favorite photograph that I took of her while I was there. And my time in Santa Fe was magical just because it's so rich with art.

[00:03:44] But this is where I'm coming from what I'm in a moment.

[00:03:50] And what I'm sharing when I'm saying light being found.

[00:03:55] Unveiled, emitting a radiant glow and warmth.

[00:03:59] Beautifully revealing itself deeply in many sacred ways.

[00:04:04] Individually connecting us all.

[00:04:07] Through life's journeys, we find glimmers of light as we navigate through moments of darkness.

[00:04:13] In finding the light, we honor our healing, embracing our truths and becoming the light from within.

[00:04:21] The wonder of it all.

[00:04:23] The majestic beauty of the cosmos connecting us to all of the universe.

[00:04:29] Illumination emerges from the distant glow, deepening our understanding and peace, evoking moments of clear insight,

[00:04:37] revealing hidden truths and enriching our experiences as we explore passages towards inner growth and self-love.

[00:04:45] We shine bright.

[00:04:47] You are the light.

[00:04:51] Super powerful.

[00:04:53] And then I scroll down here.

[00:04:56] Through your flow, share your light.

[00:04:59] I took this photograph on a trip that I took to Belize with some friends.

[00:05:05] And I was like just the happiest little kid in the helicopter ride.

[00:05:12] Getting to see this site did so many things for me internally.

[00:05:18] I was just over brimming with love.

[00:05:21] And it almost even looks like there's some type of writing down on the coral.

[00:05:29] Really, really, really pretty.

[00:05:31] And then down here on the lower left-hand side, you can see that there's a boat.

[00:05:36] And for whatever reason, this makes me so happy to have this caught in this photograph.

[00:05:45] It's kind of special.

[00:05:47] So, scrolling down a little further, it says flow with the elements.

[00:05:54] And this is a photograph I took on one of our trips after he got back from tour.

[00:06:01] We were in Kauai.

[00:06:03] I also, on the same beach, I did a sunrise walk and I got to see a monk sill just kicking it on the beach early in the morning.

[00:06:12] It was really, really special.

[00:06:16] Light being found.

[00:06:17] Be the wave is poetic, metaphorical, and symbolic with layered meanings of profound depths.

[00:06:24] An exploration inspirationally and philosophically towards a journey of self-discovery and inner knowing.

[00:06:32] Pondering the dual nature of light, both as a particle and a wave.

[00:06:37] Prompting a vast contemplation of phenomena in vibrancy.

[00:06:41] A return to love.

[00:06:44] Spiritually attuning inner peace, joy, and love.

[00:06:48] A return to knowing, emitting from, and radiating out.

[00:06:53] Artistically encouraging our innate creative flow to explore, express, and share our truths, making impactful impressions in our world.

[00:07:03] Each interpretation, rich in imagery and metaphor, encourages an array of personal reflections and actions evoking a journey of embracing the path taken and harmonizing with the elements.

[00:07:18] Then scroll down a little bit more.

[00:07:23] Look at this picture.

[00:07:27] There was some love shining down on me.

[00:07:30] And also, it was a place that I loved to be at.

[00:07:34] It was the park that Jai and I went to every day for a walk.

[00:07:37] And Jai is with me when I took this photograph.

[00:07:41] So seeing this also gives me all the feels.

[00:07:44] And then down at the bottom, I kind of just share, like, I'm celebrating life's magical moments.

[00:07:50] And that love is absolutely everywhere.

[00:07:52] It kind of comes back to what I was saying about, you know, what we think about, we bring about.

[00:07:59] And where our attention goes, energy flows.

[00:08:03] And so whatever you want your life to be, it is.

[00:08:08] And that that comes from a really deep place of knowing and understanding that.

[00:08:15] So you are the creator.

[00:08:17] You're the creator of this journey.

[00:08:20] These are some of my favorite photographs I have taken that have just brought me a ton of love.

[00:08:28] And I always loved, you know, blowing the make-a-wish, you know, the dandelion.

[00:08:35] And also the metamorphosis of change that a dandelion goes through to get to this place.

[00:08:45] But these are just different little outings I've taken over the year where I've just felt a lot of love in my journey.

[00:08:54] And then on the bottom of every page, it says,

[00:08:57] May the sun glow warmly on you.

[00:08:59] All love embrace you.

[00:09:01] And the pure light within guide you on your way.

[00:09:08] Thank you for coming along with me on me getting to share that part of my website.

[00:09:14] It's been fun to work on it.

[00:09:16] And I've never done any type of website stuff before.

[00:09:19] I know we're in a really awesome time in history where all of this technology has become simplified and easier for just the everyday person to use.

[00:09:31] So I'm totally enjoying this creative process as well.

[00:09:36] That's the website.

[00:09:37] And then today I'm going to play an audio recording that I feel like really wraps up this season with the bow tie.

[00:09:46] And in the audio recording, I touch on a lot of different things that we talked about on season one of our journey together.

[00:09:56] So it'll kind of full circle.

[00:09:59] I do want to talk about a few things I'm going to mention in the audio recording.

[00:10:03] One of them is I mentioned source, and that is my connection to divinity.

[00:10:10] And then also I say I'm in the middle of doing so many different things, but they're all one and the same.

[00:10:17] What I mean by that is I was working on myself with the different healing modalities that had to do with energy.

[00:10:26] And that the underlying thread between all of them is healing.

[00:10:32] And then I also make a reference to being analytical.

[00:10:37] And so I want to touch on that really quickly because I love that part of me.

[00:10:42] And it has served me so well as I know it has served so many.

[00:10:47] You know, part of why and how I grew into this person that I am is becoming analytical at a very young age to work through different grievances and traumas that were happening around me.

[00:11:03] Kind of to zoom out and get a picture of it to where I could understand it and put pieces together in a way to where it forms like a protection of my own feeling heard about certain different things.

[00:11:17] To where I could make sense of it all from the other person's vantage point.

[00:11:23] So I love that I am analytical.

[00:11:27] However, I also know and understand and continue to work on knowing that when you are always coming from a place of thinking and in your mind that there is a disconnect from your heart and feeling.

[00:11:42] And as I am sure that you know, the energy that comes from your heart and your toroidal field is much grander than that that comes from your head.

[00:11:52] And so really wanting to tap into my heart and make sure that I'm coming from a place of feeling and that that place of feeling is coming from a place of knowing and also a return to knowing where there isn't this needing to understand the bigger picture to know the direction.

[00:12:13] There's just a knowing by a feeling.

[00:12:16] And so I'm kind of I'm kind of meaning that when I'm referencing the analytical part.

[00:12:21] It's a beautiful part of life.

[00:12:23] I'm just wanting to continue to be on my journey where I'm tapping into my feeling.

[00:12:29] And that is my knowing.

[00:12:33] Also, I do mention some of the things I was doing.

[00:12:36] One of them was John Amaral and I said his name correctly at the beginning.

[00:12:41] And then towards the ending, I reference him as well.

[00:12:45] And I say his name incorrectly.

[00:12:46] I think I say something like John Armada or something like that.

[00:12:51] So just know that it's actually the same person that I'm talking about.

[00:12:55] And I also mentioned Wim Hof.

[00:12:59] You might already have some exposure to Wim Hof and have even done some of his breath work.

[00:13:06] Something about doing his breath work.

[00:13:11] Just breath work in general.

[00:13:12] Doesn't have to be his.

[00:13:14] But I got introduced to breath work from following Wim Hof and then using the resources that he's provided.

[00:13:23] And so there's this.

[00:13:25] You could just feel his heart.

[00:13:27] Even in the recording, I'm like, I'm just telling him I love him all the time because you just feel this love.

[00:13:35] And something about Wim Hof as well is his wife.

[00:13:41] His wife took her life.

[00:13:43] And that's one of the reasons that he embarked upon this journey of his own, of self-healing and getting to a place where life was invaluable and so worth living.

[00:13:59] And through his navigation, he came into a place of breath work.

[00:14:06] And he shared all those gifts with the world.

[00:14:10] Really beautiful.

[00:14:10] I was doing breath work for quite a while.

[00:14:14] It's something that's actually challenging for me because I have that analytical inner chat happening.

[00:14:20] So I can get in a good role with doing breath work and getting quiet.

[00:14:28] But it is definitely an effort for me to get into that place where that becomes consistent.

[00:14:35] So it takes me a while to get back in the groove of doing breath work.

[00:14:38] But one of the things with breath work that I really loved is I could feel my energy.

[00:14:46] You know, it was palpable.

[00:14:48] Like I could feel every movement of everything.

[00:14:52] And it was really special and also kind of reaffirming where I constantly say, you know, we're all one and we're all energy.

[00:15:01] Well, it's so cool to feel your layers of your energy from your etheric body when you're in that place of acuteness to sensitivity and you're embodying the ability to have our fingers are so magical in our hands.

[00:15:24] And getting to that place of breath work, they become they're already they're already in and of this.

[00:15:30] Their selves are these amazing tools that are so like on the regular.

[00:15:37] I am so thankful for my hands all the time.

[00:15:40] They're absolutely amazing.

[00:15:42] I'm so happy to have hands and fingers and they're great.

[00:15:45] But they become so amplified in a place of being in this healing from the breath work.

[00:15:54] It also aided and I did some bio tuning work and I automatically went into a place of breath work for the bio tuning and it really made the bio tuning majorly impactful in my in my own personal healing journey.

[00:16:11] I definitely talk about all of these things a lot more in detail when I am encompassing them into my life down the road.

[00:16:21] But just touching on them real quickly here.

[00:16:23] The last thing is Joe Dispenza back to the analytical mind to put all of this together, but in a scientific manner, which everything makes complete sense.

[00:16:37] Neurologically, what's happening in our body.

[00:16:40] Joe Dispenza is amazing.

[00:16:42] So I will have all three of these resources in the notes.

[00:16:47] John Amaral, he does.

[00:16:50] It's a free.

[00:16:51] I think it still is.

[00:16:53] Um, fight to fright to flow.

[00:16:57] Fright to fight to flow.

[00:16:59] Something like that.

[00:17:01] And it's a, it's a, I think it's a seven day workshop.

[00:17:07] It might be two weeks.

[00:17:09] I think it's a seven days, but there's these energy exercises that he's walking you through.

[00:17:16] And like, I was moving the energy in my body.

[00:17:23] And I was moving the energy in my body.

[00:17:27] And I, my body, I was started burping.

[00:17:31] Burping.

[00:17:32] It was so interesting to, that was my very beginning of understanding when I am having blockages within my body in certain energy centers.

[00:17:42] And when I'm having movement.

[00:17:45] And when I'm having movement, the burping.

[00:18:12] And then, um, being, um, being outside barefoot or hugging trees.

[00:18:28] And so when I'm saying very honored, I am talking to her because she, she held me when I was not okay.

[00:18:37] Um, and, and to fill that through what I was going through, I was very honored to be able to fill that.

[00:18:47] I'm not sure I would have had I not been in a space and place where I just definitely was not okay.

[00:18:52] There's just this acute sensitivity to absolutely everything and treading those waters.

[00:18:58] And so that is what I'm referencing when I say that.

[00:19:02] But this audio recording beautifully wraps up this season, kind of gives it a little bit of a summary of a lot of things that we've talked about.

[00:19:13] So I'm going to get that playing for you now.

[00:19:29] Hello, lovelies.

[00:19:31] I want to record right now.

[00:19:33] I'm on.

[00:19:35] First off, it's April 1st, 2020.

[00:19:47] So many synapses are being made.

[00:19:51] So many connections.

[00:19:53] There's so much firing off right now.

[00:20:12] I'm doing so many different things, but all the same thing.

[00:20:19] Just different methods, different ways of learning, different ways of letting go, different ways of being, different ways of glowing.

[00:20:41] I just finished day three of John Emerald's fight or flight to flow.

[00:21:08] I'm very analytical by nature.

[00:21:12] I have been for as long as I can remember.

[00:21:15] It's a process I go through and an organization of thoughts and feelings and functionality, ultimately for peace and calmness.

[00:21:34] Intuitively, it's served me very well all my life.

[00:21:44] I'm realizing in part it's what is methodically putting in, putting me in a place where I resonate with me.

[00:22:04] And that's not my desire, right?

[00:22:15] I want to be connected to source, to purpose, to my higher self, to intention, to love, to this journey here.

[00:22:37] And through that connection, there has to be a disembodiment of the identity of me, which is a beautiful process.

[00:22:55] My analytical mind has been going through and experiencing and learning right now.

[00:23:08] This last month, my attention has been on energy and sharing mine with the world.

[00:23:21] Mine.

[00:23:23] Ding, ding, ding.

[00:23:25] Navigating, sharing my light and my story to where it connects to others in an act of service.

[00:23:43] Oh, one.

[00:24:18] Ding, ding, ding.

[00:24:24] With love and light and joy.

[00:24:33] I'm in joy.

[00:24:38] Gratitude.

[00:24:39] like i know it's one of the most absurd things but i say like i've never weeped so much in my life

[00:24:50] and it's been in gratitude i remember the first time i i weeped in gratitude i remember like

[00:25:07] it was yesterday i was about the three to four week mark i believe i'll have to go back

[00:25:29] through my documenting but it was relatively shortly after i lost jason

[00:25:43] just went through this feeling of abandonment because like all of my loved ones couldn't show up

[00:26:02] and it and it's because they didn't know how to show up and and that's a beautiful thing

[00:26:10] it's a beautiful thing to not know how to show up for this

[00:26:17] through my journey it's my experiences that have made me present to have the ability to show up

[00:26:30] with love and so i understand it i under understand with love and accept

[00:26:46] that i came from that place of filling at that time that i was abandoned just there's so many

[00:26:55] so many things happening to lose my partner my best friend

[00:27:08] my lover my world by his choice to leave and the domino effect that that had internally in me

[00:27:27] is the worst thing i've experienced in life the fight to get out of that place

[00:27:41] is a battle one has to be in training for and for the long haul i was defeated often

[00:27:59] and i've triumphed often throughout that journey so during that time i i literally and every possible

[00:28:19] imaginable way was alone and every second was a triumph towards survival that was drawn out and

[00:28:45] excruciating one day i went out to my mailbox to get the mail and i had envelopes cards from strangers

[00:29:09] i'll get into how that came into first in another time but people that people that experienced great

[00:29:27] devastation and were able to show up with love and share that love through a card as a gift to me

[00:29:47] that holds more value than any monetary value can hold on anything and i felt it so i'm standing in the

[00:30:01] parking lot at the parking lot at the mailbox i think like the first day i think i got two or three cards

[00:30:08] maybe two the next day or the day after two or three cards i'm not sure i mean i hope i was recording

[00:30:14] at that point i i haven't unfolded my journey yet um i opened the cards and i felt so in sync with

[00:30:29] what was written in them for me like so understood so greeted with love so cared for

[00:30:43] such compassion and that moment was the first time i'd ever weeped out of gratitude just sobbed

[00:30:55] i mean i was already a crying mess for months

[00:31:01] for months i was just a snotty crying mess but at that time i was in weeks and i just felt like i'd

[00:31:08] been crying non-stop but it was just a mess and to weep and gratitude weep not not cry to weep

[00:31:22] in gratitude i don't have any words for it um one of the most beautiful moments of my life

[00:31:41] yeah so right now the world is staying home getting quiet pausing i find it i wanted to say insanely

[00:32:05] ridiculous and then my mind went to so many different places

[00:32:11] um i find it beautifully so that i've been planning for this time in my life right now exactly i hit my

[00:32:25] five-year mark five was was a special number for me and jason um i hit my five-year mark

[00:32:35] in a month and ten days and this time i just really wanted to pause go inside empower grow learn expand

[00:33:00] and the entire globe

[00:33:05] is also doing it with me there is such a shift happening

[00:33:13] and and i understand because i feel it too i feel the change the uncertainty the concern the fear the wave

[00:33:28] um i recorded yesterday about the wave i i'm one with the wave and i'm i'm the wave beautifully so

[00:33:37] everything that's coming i'm inviting i'm experiencing i'm feeling and i'm letting it go i'm doing like a lot of

[00:34:00] different things right now i did say they're all focused um and i have been doing them

[00:34:08] for the last month and a half ish um wim hoff

[00:34:19] and he talks to me and i just have sheer joy and find myself telling him out loud excitedly i love you

[00:34:32] i know he's kidding that from so many people um oh my gosh beauty right there sheer beauty

[00:34:44] um joe dispensa the breakdown of everything neurologically

[00:34:56] really aids my analytical mind um and gives such appreciation for his body of work on armada

[00:35:18] i hope i hope i'm not betraying his name he does energy work and i believe that we are all energy and there's work to be done

[00:35:39] and that the mind body connection is mind-blowing and that we are such miraculous beings so i'm doing

[00:35:53] and his a fright to flight to flow i think it's called monday three and it's like succumbing in a different way

[00:36:13] and each exercise has had a release and in a non-analytical way right if i just follow

[00:36:23] and listen and listen and go there's been rewards and it's just like it's so amazing it's so

[00:36:39] so amazing what i'm consuming right now so connected so beautiful

[00:36:52] and i just had to record because i'm um in such gratitude right now life is good all right well

[00:37:18] wherever you're at in your journey i'm sending you love light and strength i'm giving you these amazing

[00:37:31] amazing amazing j am hugs with such love and wishing you well i'm asking you to be gentle with yourself

[00:37:52] because you're listening to yourself be tender and i'm sending you amazing amazing vibes and

[00:38:12] one of the things that has been instrumental in my enjoy in my beauty of life and my gratitude

[00:38:25] in my recovery with my grief work internally has been mother nature she's guided me she's helped me

[00:38:44] she's breathe life into me she's energy she's source she's beauty she's everywhere

[00:39:00] so wherever you're at in your journey if you can find it within yourself to and to get out the door

[00:39:16] i should you not i was in such a place of anxiety and panic that i i couldn't i couldn't move

[00:39:30] i couldn't move so the best that i could do for myself at that time was to get barefoot

[00:39:42] and to go outside in my patio and go just past that

[00:39:50] and to stand on mother earth and to hug the tree to touch the tree and that connection

[00:40:06] of getting grounded you know we're we're energy and there's always an electromagnetic force happening

[00:40:16] and so grounding my feet and having mother earth hold me

[00:40:26] and hugging the tree or even just having my hand on the tree and being one with the roots that go down

[00:40:35] so deeply and are so strong and so full of life gave me a little bit more life when i felt like i

[00:40:50] the struggle just to breathe the struggle just to not shake the struggle to even have hygiene

[00:41:04] to even make sure my animals were getting fed very very very real very honored so wherever you're at in your

[00:41:20] journey physiologically being able to move

[00:41:30] and connecting with source for me which is connecting with other life

[00:41:41] and the energy around me that it embodies which is mother earth

[00:41:47] even if to just stand it's part of the healing process for me

[00:41:57] and so wherever you're at in your journey if you can find it within yourself to

[00:42:05] connect with mother nature and be in her energy flow and in her love

[00:42:13] and to submit to that i think you'll find additional breaths moments of exhalation

[00:42:34] with with love with release all right i'm sending you so much love take good care

[00:42:53] amazing hugs being sent to you okay so welcome back in today's story i kind of cracked up when i saw

[00:43:11] what page i was on and that this would actually be the last story of the season but here we go let me

[00:43:19] share my screen with you

[00:43:22] all right so for today's story out of the book says our first couple of years together he'd lick his lips

[00:43:29] all the time like ll colje i didn't realize it but one day we were watching tv and there was an interview

[00:43:36] with him both of us noticed how often he licks his lips after that i started making fun of him

[00:43:41] that slowly dissipated over the years babe your lips are gorgeous i can understand why you always wanted

[00:43:49] to lick them and this picture is hilarious because i could just imagine us having this conversation

[00:43:56] with this picture hey i i'm cracking up in the photograph and he's like oh oh oh

[00:44:06] yeah definitely brought me such a smile when i flipped to that page of the book and saw that it

[00:44:16] it was for today's podcast sense of humor there he has i'm i feel like he's been with me this whole time

[00:44:25] as i've been sharing the podcast and as i also shared with you he is the podcast artwork and he

[00:44:34] i feel like he's with me every every step of this journey so kind of cute that that's the last story for

[00:44:43] today for the season anyhow and then i'm gonna go into our final quote but because this is the last episode i'm going to share also two more quotes that were my favorites from this season i wonder if you can guess what they are

[00:45:04] if you have a favorite quote from this season let me know down below in the comments um i would be curious to hear so here is today's quote

[00:45:20] the quote is by haruki murakami on how our challenges shape us

[00:45:28] and once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through how you managed to survive you won't even be sure whether the storm is really over but one thing is certain when you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in that's what the storm's all about

[00:45:49] and the book is kafka on the shore part of this was as i've kind of already been sharing with you today and it's echoed in the quote is

[00:46:02] well i'm not the same person i'm not by far and i've grown so much i i am one of those people in life that's constantly wanting to

[00:46:13] evolve so i would definitely be a different person no matter what but because of these struggles and the

[00:46:20] hardship that came with losing him and that also being the most darkest place i've ever been in my life

[00:46:27] i've come to the most brightest place i've ever been in my life and that was also a source of

[00:46:39] resilience in a kind of a way when i started down the journey of how dark of a place that i was in

[00:46:45] i knew that that it was mirrored and that i would land in a bright place if i just kept on

[00:46:54] healing kept on loving myself that's that's how i was healing by loving myself through that journey and i fell down

[00:47:05] so many times and i landed in so many rough places where i absolutely was not okay at all and just

[00:47:14] learning how to be tender with myself and to have compassion with and towards myself and to give myself

[00:47:21] grace through the journey as i've already mentioned we're most of the times our toughest critic on

[00:47:28] ourselves and there's grace that i would give anyone that i withhold from myself because i have some type

[00:47:38] of odd place that i need to reach where i don't have that compassion for myself it's so absurd how we

[00:47:46] talk to ourselves and treat ourselves so for me this will be a lifelong journey that i'm on where

[00:47:52] it's constantly being refined and that i'm loving all of the words that i'm saying to myself all of

[00:48:01] the time and i'm coming from a place of love and what whatever i'm going through whether that's in

[00:48:08] hardship or a triumph so part of this quote reminds me of becoming the eye of the storm and for me

[00:48:15] it is becoming the wave i went through a time where i felt like i was just getting banged up riding those

[00:48:25] waves and just getting crashed into the rocks and mutilated and i remember one of my clients asked me

[00:48:33] one day he said oh how are you doing today but he he'd already known what i was going through and that

[00:48:41] oh man i've just been riding those waves there's so many ups and downs and he says oh i didn't know you

[00:48:48] were a surfer i can understand how he got there but part of going through that process of feeling like i

[00:49:00] kept getting banged around was was now no longer does the wave have control over me

[00:49:12] i'm not going to get banged around anymore i'm going to i'm going to move with the wave and

[00:49:19] and so now there will be a flow i'm so out of any type of harmony within my within all of my energy

[00:49:28] that there's resistance everywhere so the work was on getting to be a place of flow with the wave so if

[00:49:37] if it's just relaxing and soothing and calming that that is what i'm embodying if it's

[00:49:48] erratic and seemingly chaotic that i'm riding with it and i'm part of that journey so i'm not getting

[00:49:58] banged up in the middle so from that place then i went to i am the wave and that's that's completely

[00:50:07] different that is such a different feeling to to be in that space and place and

[00:50:15] of knowing that and embodying that energy it really made the journey completely different so that's what

[00:50:22] this quote kind of brings up for me and i wonder what you've come up with if anything popped up in

[00:50:30] your head right away for a quote that resonated with you this season but my second quote that i'm reading

[00:50:42] which is one that i'm sure i lit up when i first shared it with you a disco ball is hundreds of pieces

[00:50:51] of broken glass put together to make a magical ball of light you aren't broken you are a disco ball shine

[00:51:00] bright you magical ball of light i love that i just loved it every time i read it too it makes me happy so

[00:51:11] that is my second quote and then my last quote can you guess what it is it is

[00:51:27] the very first quote that i shared which is fall in love with taking care of yourself

[00:51:36] fall in love with the path of deep healing fall in love with becoming the best version

[00:51:42] of yourself but with patience with compassion and respect to your own journey s mcnutt

[00:51:54] and that is what this journey that we are on together is about it is about having respect to your own journey

[00:52:05] and that we are healing and that is the beauty of doing this together

[00:52:11] so it's definitely been an honor to get to spend this time with you and for you to join me on this healing

[00:52:19] journey that i've embarked upon and i'm getting to share with you i

[00:52:25] i've had i've had an emotional time prepare preparing for it but it also has brought me like a lot of light and love

[00:52:35] and it's solidified a lot of different things that i had in my memory but wasn't sure if i've just grown

[00:52:43] to this place or was i there when i was going through this so it's been it's been definitely helpful and has continued

[00:52:54] fortifying my resilience on where i'm at in life and that we are able to handle and

[00:53:04] are capable of going through so many different things it's it's really what's happening on the inside

[00:53:12] that helps us navigate whatever is happening external all right there for you to be able to

[00:53:21] connect it would be definitely to just share whatever it is that you're wanting to share about the season or

[00:53:27] any specific episode or any stories or any quotes that really resonated with you or just anything about

[00:53:34] your journey and that you're experiencing so let me know down in the comments on youtube you can find

[00:53:41] the podcast there which is suicide loss survivor podcast it's a documented journey and i'm at light being found

[00:53:50] as well as at light being found on instagram and you can also leave comments there as well

[00:53:57] and then i'm going to leave off on sharing a special video with you i will leave the link also in the

[00:54:06] notes but it's a video voice recording that i did called powerfully empowering and i have it set to

[00:54:15] a playlist so i will be adding things along the way that just have such beauty and strength in them and i

[00:54:25] reference them from time to time in my life and i want to share them with you in case there's any type of

[00:54:34] you feeling like you're resonating with that same thing that i'm sharing with you so i'll leave a link for that

[00:54:43] down below and then i just really wanted to say again thank you so much for joining me on this journey

[00:54:49] for season one i have had a lot of inner joy getting to create this season and getting to share things that

[00:55:00] are so full of love for me and memories that i am incredibly fond of and also lessons that i've learned

[00:55:07] and am continuing to learn it's been really nice so it's quite special that you are here with me and

[00:55:17] then i want to say as we wrap the season up um i will i'll be doing probably a couple of bonus episodes

[00:55:26] um and then i'll also be working on finding the light dot com that's where you'll be able to go and

[00:55:34] access my i'll be uploading a lot of my different videos from my journey that i'm not talking about

[00:55:42] on the podcast but they will be in chronological order videos voice messages whatever it is that

[00:55:49] was part of my journey um right after post losing him and you'll be able to access those in their raw form

[00:55:57] and play the full length videos right now i'm just giving snippets and then also in our journey together

[00:56:05] i've only unfolded the first week so i'm curious and excited to get into and share more seasons with you

[00:56:15] and get to unfold more videos um it's been a it's been a journey down memory lane for me and

[00:56:27] i'm so curious what is to come and i'm excited to to open these up and explore my emotions about

[00:56:38] those videos then with where i am now yeah um all right i think that is everything for this season

[00:56:48] very special veterans day wherever you are at in your journey please be gentle with yourself

[00:56:59] have compassion for yourself be able to do some self-care and self-care can look like anything

[00:57:07] that you get some type of reprieve and are loving yourself even just a walk or having a quiet moment

[00:57:16] or if you want to read a book or if you want to take a bath or if you want to catch up with an old

[00:57:20] friend there anything and everything you can possibly think of where you're bringing to yourself something

[00:57:26] with the energy of self-love and self-care i i remember i i didn't want to paint my toenails for so long

[00:57:36] after he left because it just made me cry i had a whole routine that he was part of whenever i

[00:57:42] painted my toenails and so the first time i painted my toenails

[00:57:49] and i i wanted to wait until i wasn't sad about it that was an act of self-care for me where i was

[00:57:57] loving myself and also sharing in a memory of something i would do with him here but he's not here anymore

[00:58:04] so even something as silly as that just to love up on yourself and just be so gentle with yourself

[00:58:12] and i am now and all the way up until season two's release giving you these big amazing soothing

[00:58:22] heart-filling oxytocin oxytocin oxytocin oxytocin

[00:58:30] vibration loving j am hugs and i'm sending you so much love i'm sending you so much light and i'm

[00:58:38] sending you so much healing on your journey ahead until season two please take great care all my love