Our Last Moments - Suicide Loss Survivor S1E8

[00:00:02] Welcome to Light Being Found. My love Jason was in the US Army. 20 days after I found him, I started documenting my journey through video and audio recordings. Join me as I share my journey as a suicide loss survivor from struggling to find the light to light being found.

[00:00:26] Hello all you beautiful people. Thank you for joining me today. This is Season 1, Episode 8, Finding the Light, Light Being Found.

[00:00:42] So in today's episode with the video that I share with you, it was actually the first video of this kind where I got super emotional.

[00:00:54] I'm recalling a very important day that I haven't thought of for a long time. And so just, I just, the waterworks just started coming as I was going back through that day and listening to the video.

[00:01:11] And then also in the video, like I'm cracking up. So I, I'm, I'm cracking up because I'm bawling and cracking up at the same time.

[00:01:21] And that, that, that is what I want. That when I was going through this, I wanted to be able to watch someone going through it and feel like there was some type of interaction we were having to where I could understand their journey.

[00:01:39] But that it wasn't with just like this heart wrenching, heavy doom and gloomness. And I, I have that. So, cause I relate to her, which is me, but nine years ago, nine and a half years ago ish, where I'm watching myself.

[00:02:01] And I am brought right back to my own experiences, which are the experiences that I'm watching. But I'm also like, what it, what is she going to say?

[00:02:13] And so then when I say something that I relate to in my own healing journey, yes, I understand we are one in the same, that I feel comforted by, or that just cracks me up. I, I feel full of joy and happiness.

[00:02:31] So it's definitely been a gift for me to unfold this journey. I know that I am also continuing, continuing my healing process along the way, but at the same time, I'm getting sublime gratification from continuing the creative process and getting to share where I am now on this healing journey, coupled with where I was exactly then.

[00:02:59] And also being able to, you know, and also being able to, you know, show that. So super cool.

[00:03:05] All right. Also in the video, I go over having such difficulty in the kitchen again, and there is a lot more of me just also being stuck and feeling forgetful again.

[00:03:19] And then also me talking about how incredibly intense this pain is that I'm going through.

[00:03:28] And I touched on not feeling like I have anyone. And I think this video, I think it's June 4th and it might've been the third, but I, when I'm in the video,

[00:03:44] even though I'm still like around the three week mark of losing him, I, like I said, my social circle, they're, you know, contacting me like the first few days and then a little bit, the first couple of weeks.

[00:04:01] And then not so much after that, it was like crickets, no, like they're like no one, nowhere.

[00:04:07] So I felt so incredibly isolated and alone in a way that was devastatingly de-applicating.

[00:04:21] It was, it was crippling how alone I felt in that part of my journey.

[00:04:30] I also didn't have the capability to do any type of a search at the computer for anything.

[00:04:35] So I wasn't part of any groups yet on Facebook.

[00:04:39] I wasn't going to any in-person groups.

[00:04:42] I had no ability to talk to the people at TAPS yet.

[00:04:46] So I really was just in my, I was alone in my own grieving journey, just feeling so disconnected from everyone and everything,

[00:04:58] which I think really, which I think really amplifies the feeling of fear and also like a layer or undertone of just feeling depressed as, as well.

[00:05:15] That's a side of a side accompanying my just deep, sheer sadness that I was going through.

[00:05:22] So that's reflected in this video as well.

[00:05:26] So I hope you will not cry, but I hope you will get a little bit of a laugh out of it.

[00:05:33] We'll see.

[00:05:34] Here's the video.

[00:05:46] Today is Thursday, June 4th.

[00:05:48] And I'm with clients today.

[00:05:53] They're closing on a home in Marysville.

[00:05:56] Actually, the last time, the last time that I left Jason, I got out of bed and he was like,

[00:06:19] babe, what are you doing out of bed so early?

[00:06:21] And I said, I got inspections today.

[00:06:24] And he was like, oh, that sucks.

[00:06:27] And I just want to crawl back in bed with him so bad.

[00:06:31] He forgot I had inspections.

[00:06:35] And that was my last day with him.

[00:06:44] I think that when you get up, if you remember that your loved one is dead, that you're starting in a good place.

[00:07:04] The kitchen is very difficult for me to be in because we spent so much of our time in the kitchen.

[00:07:09] And I find myself going up there and then just standing there.

[00:07:14] Just, just standing there and getting lost.

[00:07:21] And like the emotional pain is so deep that it doesn't have, it doesn't, it doesn't have any words to describe it.

[00:07:36] And, and he's my best friend.

[00:07:58] He's my world.

[00:08:00] We're both super introverted, even though we're both very social as well.

[00:08:07] Like we just love to be at home and peddling in the couch or in the bed or cooking or watching our shows.

[00:08:20] And I just, um, I just want to, I just want to feel him.

[00:08:29] I just want to feel him.

[00:08:34] And like his voice is, um, so comforting.

[00:08:49] I think that, um, that this is going to be quite the journey.

[00:08:58] And, and I kind of feel like I don't have anybody because I don't know who to talk to.

[00:09:23] He was my everything.

[00:09:24] Like I hardly even talk to my friends very often.

[00:09:29] Maybe every few weeks, I just talk to him every day.

[00:09:39] And I, and I don't want to, I'm like super sensitive to light right now.

[00:09:46] And I want it to be as bright as possible.

[00:09:49] And I feel, um, so much tension everywhere.

[00:10:01] When I get to my, um, desk, I start to lose like what my focus was before I get to my desk.

[00:10:15] So I think I'm going to start bringing my phone with me everywhere.

[00:10:21] And then just start filming whatever thoughts I'm having on the fly.

[00:10:27] Cause, uh, cause I'm losing them when I get here.

[00:10:39] Well, so what's crazy is that like, no matter what, that I'll never talk to him ever again.

[00:10:50] My animals didn't care for that comment either.

[00:11:01] Anyways, I wake up like this every day.

[00:11:06] I kind of look a little crazy.

[00:11:12] Jeez.

[00:11:23] I'm going to start, I'm going to start making a schedule for myself.

[00:11:27] I miss you so much.

[00:11:50] All right.

[00:11:51] We are back.

[00:11:55] Um, today's part of the book.

[00:11:57] I'm talking about a lot of different dishes that we made together.

[00:12:01] And so I felt like it was kind of fitting to go with the thread of this theme of me just being lost in the kitchen and having the secondary loss of the entire way I eat.

[00:12:13] So I'm going to start sharing some of the book with you.

[00:12:18] He makes a thirst quenching rosemary lemonade.

[00:12:22] So good.

[00:12:23] I remember we were talking about it and we were both feeling like, well, it's kind of expensive to make though.

[00:12:30] When you make, there's some things that when you make them with just amazing products, you're like, wow, this, this, this could get kind of spendy.

[00:12:38] Um, so you start to understand some of the pricing of some of the places that you attend that have higher price marks.

[00:12:47] Why?

[00:12:48] Um, he puts a ton of love into it and it's absolutely delicious.

[00:12:53] Some more favorites of ours are anything barbecued.

[00:12:57] So the picture that I'm going to show you is him making meats, which he loved to use on the barbecue or the smoker.

[00:13:05] It was one of those, I want to say guy things because my dad loved doing that too.

[00:13:10] But one of his favorite things to be out there just making some meats and his homemade chicken stir fry with broccoli, potato and carrots.

[00:13:21] I almost got excited when I read through this, when I was prepping for the episode.

[00:13:27] Cause I was like, oh, I forgot about the carrots and potatoes with it.

[00:13:31] Like, oh, and you know, thoughts carry weight.

[00:13:36] Everything's frequency and a memory can put you in the place of that actually being felt sensationally.

[00:13:43] And so when I read some of these, I was like, oh, oh yeah.

[00:13:48] I felt like, let me, let me wipe the drool up a little bit.

[00:13:52] But, um, Turkish kebabs, they were so good.

[00:13:58] He would have them, um, in this marinade of like yogurt and lemon and cumin and some other things.

[00:14:09] And he'd have them in there for a couple of days and they were so amazingly tender.

[00:14:17] They were so good.

[00:14:18] Um, he'd do lamb and chicken and then his amazing 15 bean stew with either chicken and pork, chicken or pork.

[00:14:26] It was one of the things that I mentioned when I was going through the freezer.

[00:14:31] I relished that 15 bean stew when I had it.

[00:14:34] I was just like, oh my gosh, this is the last time I'm going to be able to taste this.

[00:14:40] And, oh, I'm so grateful that I have it.

[00:14:42] As you saw, I had a lot of different little things to kind of get to enjoy over time.

[00:14:49] Once I got into like a more into my healing journey, but the 15 bean stew, he would make big batches of it maybe a couple of times a year.

[00:14:59] And so we'd have a good amount of it in the freezer.

[00:15:02] It was so delicious.

[00:15:05] Um, his chicken noodle soup.

[00:15:08] And of course his chicken bow tie pesto.

[00:15:11] He loved to make his homemade pesto sauce with chicken bow tie.

[00:15:15] And then he always did it with chicken and broccoli.

[00:15:20] Oh, it's so good.

[00:15:21] So good.

[00:15:23] Um, our marinated pork butt.

[00:15:25] I remember I kind of cracked up because I didn't really cook, especially meats like this before or in my previous partnership.

[00:15:35] And he was like, we're going to cook a pork butt.

[00:15:38] And I was like, a pork butt.

[00:15:40] It was my first time thinking about cooking a pork butt.

[00:15:44] And I was like, is it the butt of a pig?

[00:15:46] I did not know.

[00:15:48] I did not know.

[00:15:49] I'm sure that was pretty amusing for him.

[00:15:52] And I put orgasmic.

[00:15:54] Yeah.

[00:15:55] Kind of what I just mentioned with like, I hope I'm not drooling.

[00:15:58] And back to, you know, when you eat some food that's made with just love and these amazing ingredients and respect and regard for them and the craft of the dish that you're creating.

[00:16:10] It does this little dance with your taste buds everywhere.

[00:16:14] Just, yeah.

[00:16:18] Ah, his food did that all the time.

[00:16:20] Um, our pizza.

[00:16:22] And that was something that we perfected.

[00:16:25] He really got down the crust to be just absolutely amazing.

[00:16:30] Super thin, but crispy, but doughy at the same time.

[00:16:34] So good.

[00:16:36] Um, our miser wat.

[00:16:38] That's a, one of our Ethiopian dishes that we would make with a wat sauce made out of their burberry.

[00:16:48] So good.

[00:16:49] And lentils.

[00:16:50] It was one of, it's one of my favorite Ethiopian dishes.

[00:16:53] Gomen.

[00:16:55] That's, um, Ethiopian greens with ginger and garlic and maybe even some mita or I don't know what he did.

[00:17:03] He always did the greens and they were always magical.

[00:17:06] The miser wat.

[00:17:07] It was so good.

[00:17:09] Um, doro and lamb wat.

[00:17:12] I know, I know, I know.

[00:17:14] I'm talking about food, but just give me this moment.

[00:17:17] The doro and lamb wat is again with the burberry sauce.

[00:17:20] And it's just, it's unctuous.

[00:17:22] It's like so tender and so good.

[00:17:27] Um, his bread boss creations.

[00:17:30] Ah, I almost forgot about that.

[00:17:33] He got into this thing with making bread.

[00:17:36] And my, one of my favorites that he made was he would grill a lot of onions and garlic, just big cloves of garlic.

[00:17:44] And then he would have that all through the bread.

[00:17:50] Yo.

[00:17:52] So, so, so good.

[00:17:54] So good.

[00:17:55] But he played around with lots of different types of bread and bread texture and like putting lots of different stuff in the bread as well.

[00:18:05] Absolutely delicious.

[00:18:06] And he was like, you can call me the bread boss now.

[00:18:08] And he, he got on a kick with that for quite a while.

[00:18:11] So he'd be like, it's the bread boss to you.

[00:18:17] So funny.

[00:18:19] So cute.

[00:18:21] Um, you can see like how this book over time, when I dive into it and open it up, get filled with, I get filled with so much joy.

[00:18:35] And where I'm at now, but pretty early on brought me little glimmers of happiness when I needed to fill them.

[00:18:47] And I started to open a part of the book.

[00:18:49] And as you can see in real time, what I'm going through and getting to read some of these memories.

[00:18:57] And I forgot about some of these dishes as well.

[00:19:00] And especially since it was such a big part of our life, this page is very special.

[00:19:07] Yeah.

[00:19:07] It's interesting that I haven't read the book for a while.

[00:19:11] Um, I'm unfolding it with you right now.

[00:19:13] I actually, this last November, I believe it was the first Thanksgiving.

[00:19:19] It might've been the second, but I did not read the book.

[00:19:22] And I was like, wow, I didn't, I didn't read the book.

[00:19:25] And so it's been a minute.

[00:19:27] So it's really nice to go back through the book.

[00:19:31] Um, his baby red garlic mashed potatoes.

[00:19:38] Oh, those were so good.

[00:19:40] Um, his brined chicken and turkey.

[00:19:45] His risottos.

[00:19:46] Oh, he really got into like a kick with making risottos too.

[00:19:50] So that was something that was really delicious too.

[00:19:55] Cause he played with all different types of flavors and change the profile up often and just created orgasmic, amazing.

[00:20:05] Mm-ness in your mouth.

[00:20:08] Yeah.

[00:20:09] Uh, he had went to the art Institute of Seattle for a while for their culinary program.

[00:20:15] He ultimately was like all of this studying stuff.

[00:20:19] I don't like all this extra stuff is not for me.

[00:20:21] So he, he didn't stay in the program, but it definitely enhanced the tools that he already had.

[00:20:28] So he really started playing with flavor profiles of everything.

[00:20:33] It was very fun to create in the kitchen with him.

[00:20:38] Um, salmon.

[00:20:40] I told him he made me the best salmon dish I'd ever had in my life.

[00:20:45] The first time he made it for me and he never replicated it.

[00:20:49] He did not keep notes on how he made anything.

[00:20:53] So he definitely made food really delicious.

[00:20:57] Um, and like some of his staples that I already mentioned in here are, were this, you know, the same thing.

[00:21:03] Cause he repetition, he'd made them so many times, but he never repeated that salmon dish.

[00:21:09] And today it's still today, the best salmon dish I've ever had.

[00:21:14] It was so amazing.

[00:21:16] And I'm not quite sure how, how much I attribute to that.

[00:21:22] Just be like one of the first meals he cooked, cooked me.

[00:21:26] And those emotions were what brought such amazing flavors out to pot probably a little bit, but, um,

[00:21:36] Oh, back to his fried fish and loving it.

[00:21:39] I am a big fan of halibut, not necessarily fried though, but halibut, sole, turbo.

[00:21:47] He'd fillet either an amberjack or yellowfin.

[00:21:50] Oh, he really got into playing with, um, filleting his own fish too.

[00:21:55] And that was a neat to kind of watch him go through that journey of finessing that.

[00:22:02] Yeah.

[00:22:03] Um, he'd season it and crisp it up.

[00:22:07] His filleting skills were becoming on point.

[00:22:10] His short ribs.

[00:22:12] I don't like things on bones.

[00:22:15] And he'd always, it always make him a little sag.

[00:22:19] Cause he's like, I wish you could try and have what I'm experiencing in my mouth right now.

[00:22:24] But he'd make these short ribs.

[00:22:27] He would do it in the Dutch oven and they would just literally fall off the bone.

[00:22:32] It was, it was like otherworldly.

[00:22:36] It was absolutely so amazing in my mouth.

[00:22:39] Um, and he'd also love to do Cornish game hens.

[00:22:44] Mmm.

[00:22:46] Some of my favorites he made me were biscuits and sausage, sausage gravy.

[00:22:51] I am a biscuits and sausage gravy lover.

[00:22:54] And, um, he would make that for me on special occasions.

[00:22:58] Cause he knew how much I loved it.

[00:22:59] It was not necessarily his thing.

[00:23:01] Um, macaroni and cheese.

[00:23:03] Again, my thing.

[00:23:04] You saw it, there was some in the freezer and I was like, oh, there's, there's the macaroni

[00:23:09] and cheese in here.

[00:23:12] Uh, lasagna.

[00:23:13] There's a whole story that goes with that.

[00:23:17] One year, my dad, he was like, what would you like for, uh, Christmas this year?

[00:23:23] Uh, he's Italian.

[00:23:24] And I said, oh, can you please make your homemade lasagna?

[00:23:28] Like that would be the best gift ever.

[00:23:30] And he says, oh no, that's, that takes too long.

[00:23:34] Uh, no.

[00:23:35] And I told Jason that story.

[00:23:37] And so for our first Christmas together, he made me homemade lasagna and it was absolutely

[00:23:43] delicious.

[00:23:44] And he tweaked it to where it became like our own recipe, but that's what we have for Christmas

[00:23:49] every year.

[00:23:50] Um, also making meatballs.

[00:23:54] I'm a meatball connoisseur and he got like the texture down just right.

[00:23:58] So it wasn't a big ass chunk of meat that you were chewing on, but had that nice consistency

[00:24:04] and such a yummy, delicious sauce.

[00:24:08] Um, his fried green tomatoes, which was another favorite of mine that we'd make every summer.

[00:24:14] And he made me the best spicy salmon I've ever had, which I already mentioned.

[00:24:20] Um, he'd let me know that I had to thank him for elevating my palate.

[00:24:24] Indeed he did.

[00:24:26] Thanks babe.

[00:24:27] Yum, yum.

[00:24:27] Um, so that was my story page.

[00:24:30] I know so many words, so many words.

[00:24:33] I'm going to go ahead and share the picture with you real quick.

[00:24:37] All right.

[00:24:40] So here is the picture of some of his happy time grilling meats, and there will be some

[00:24:48] other pictures down the road that you'll actually be able to see some of these things that I

[00:24:54] mentioned in this episode, um, as far as the story, but that are not photographed in that

[00:25:01] page right there.

[00:25:02] And then for today's quote, I kind of touched on this quote a little bit, I think in episode

[00:25:12] seven, it might've been earlier in this episode, but it's by Ben Okri and it's beware of the

[00:25:21] stories you read or tell suddenly at night beneath the waters of consciousness, they are altering

[00:25:30] your world.

[00:25:31] I think this is important because I'd mentioned, um, you know, a lot of things have to do with

[00:25:37] the perception of how we see things and how we see things is also the things that we see.

[00:25:43] So it goes hand in hand with the stories that we tell ourself and the stories that we tell

[00:25:47] ourself shape our world and what shapes our world is also what contributes to our energy

[00:25:55] body and our way of being and how we move and navigate this life that we get to live here.

[00:26:02] Um, that's fundamental.

[00:26:04] I feel that at the core so profoundly and deeply.

[00:26:08] And that's why it's so important to be gentle with the words that you are saying to yourself

[00:26:13] because you are listening to yourself and because they mean something thoughts carry frequency.

[00:26:19] We are energy.

[00:26:21] We are energy.

[00:26:21] And the other thing I want to touch on really quickly is it's the stories you read or tell.

[00:26:30] It's not just our inner chat.

[00:26:33] It's being aware and cognizant of what we're letting come in.

[00:26:38] And that's by, you know, so many different ways we're letting things into our energy

[00:26:47] error that we're accepting and processing.

[00:26:50] And that has to do with our loved ones, um, with the activities that we choose to do every

[00:26:57] day with the things that we are doing with our bodies, with our, with our vices and what

[00:27:05] those are, you know, spirits are called spirits for a reason.

[00:27:10] True, true that.

[00:27:12] And so I think that, um, that's really what penetrates for me when I look at this quote and

[00:27:19] it's just to be a reminder again, to be gentle with myself.

[00:27:24] I am my hardest critic as I know the majority of us are and to give myself grace is I'm navigating

[00:27:32] this life journey and to be tender with the thoughts that I'm having with myself and be

[00:27:41] cognizant of them as well.

[00:27:43] Yeah.

[00:27:44] So if anything that I shared with you in today's episode, especially if you even had your taste

[00:27:53] buds dancing around with some memories of some of your favorite dishes and you would like

[00:27:58] to share them, please let me know down in the comments.

[00:28:02] You can find me on either YouTube or Instagram at light being found.

[00:28:08] And if you're listening to this on an audio podcast, you can find the videos on YouTube

[00:28:13] as well at light being found and wherever you are in your journey, I'm sending you so

[00:28:19] much love and light and healing.

[00:28:22] Take good care.

[00:28:23] All my love.